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Lesson 10: Integrating AC Coaching into Your Practice

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Transcript

Hi, it's Dr. Rich Juana and welcome to the final session, you made it to Section 10. In this session, I'm going to show how to show you how to integrate all of the AC coaching strategies into your own private practice. And I'll kind of go back over everything we did, and show you how to fit it in both in session and as homework. So there'll be no activities, just kind of an explanation of how to use the activities that we've already done. So just sit back and enjoy the show. Okay, reduce myself, get to the PowerPoints.

Right? So a number we're going to do this as a nine step process. And in step one, I'm going to call that assessment and ground rows. Unless you've already you're already doing I'm just going to add a couple little twist to them to try and establish the reason for coaching. You take your history, you rule out DSM five sexual disorders and you establish your ground rules. Now, the major goals And step one is to rule out DSM five sexual disorders.

And if you don't know much about that, go to the library, get a copy of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual and fifth edition, which is a new one, and just go to the section on sexual disorders and bone up on it a little bit. And remember, as a coach, your goal is either get clients unstuck or to help them enhance their sexual relationship. Your coaching clients are not dysfunctional. If they are you need to refer them to a licensed sex therapist. I don't want you practicing sex therapy. We're thinking you can after just taking this course.

In step one, you're going to establish the reason that they're seeking coaching you know, what is it about your sexuality that you're looking to improve? And you know, what, what is it that you think you're stuck in, and then establish your ground rules, you know, up, basically I would start off with, I'm going to be using an AC framework and what that's all about quick overview, you know, however many sessions you think you're going to take, you know, the use of homework as an integrated part of the, of the way you're going to work and your parameters for payment and you know, all the other professional forms, HIPAA guidelines, things like that you need to get filled out, and then set some preliminary coaching goals. And ask the client to kind of, you know, set you know, tell them what they want to accomplish in the time you work together.

And just, it gives you this will give you good feedback on how they interpret goals, how they actually phrase them, but also give you a good sense of where they think they are in their sexual relationship and see how this matches up for their initial will. This is why I came in for coaching, the reason for coaching, get some, you know, start to size up and get information about your client. In step two, you're going to do your quick overview of ACC coaching. And you know, you have session two and in lecture one goes over how AC coaching differs from traditional coaching. And just really the things you want to emphasize is that AC coaching is a values based approach. And it really is based on you their values, the client values.

And that's the starting point, you know, what do you value in terms of sexuality, you know, we're not going to look at my values as society's values. And then how AC coaching, embraces mindfulness, acceptance and commitment and tell them don't worry too much about understanding those things right now, you're going to spend a lot of time with them on that. Right. And then, in addition, you want to emphasize that while as an AC coach, you're going to talk about past events and they are important, you're really not going to spend any time analyzing them figuring out why that clients think or feel the way they do or what you know, led them to that and go into any really in depth analysis at all. Instead, you want to emphasize that the focus of AC coaching is noticing what happened, accepting it, noticing the underlying thoughts, mental images, scripts and emotions that are associated with these past sexual events, and that you're going to bring all that stuff, you're going to coexist with it, you're going to bring it forward.

As you improve your sex life and get out of this rut. You're not going to try and control avoid or eliminate any of that pain and suffering or the outdated stuff that's in your little rucksack. And you can even use the rucksack concept and example at this point. No, you might even want to do us a little prop like I've I've actually put in a duffel bag filled with pots and pans and noisy stuff. And so this is all my pain and suffering. I'm going to drop it and just drop it and start fresh with you and not let that get in the way and kind of given as an example of how we all For pain and suffering that we carry around, and we can accept that we have it, don't let it weigh us down, drop it move forward.

In Step three, you want to give them a quick overview of sex. I like to start this by doing the sexual words brainstorming activity. And that's kind of fun because it breaks the ice. It allows you to show them that you can be playful and have fun with sex. It's not all that serious. And it gives you a real good sense of their comfort level with talking about sex.

And then you go over the five dimensions and you know, you focus on biological sex, using the similarities and differences activity, and do that in session. Or you can do it as homework, it's up to you. Then, you want to continue and again, how many sessions you take to actually cover this material. It's up to you. I don't know how you practice. I don't know how much time you allow Depends on how things go with your client, obviously from session to session, but you want to then cover the other four dimensions, you know, in their inception session, rather three lectures two and three.

So when you go into gender role do gender roles and gender identity together, and you would do the body image inventory, and messages about gender role, and society and body image. And if you wanted to break one of those out and do it as homework, that's fine, all three as homework, but, you know, those are the key activities that help your clients understand how they perceive their gender role and how they acted out with their gender identity. And then you would go into sexual orientation and sexual behavior. Know using the slides in session three and lecture three. And you know, you can use any of my slides to do a screenshot and helping you explain some With the content, you could also assign reading from the two books that you got, you know, sex act, and my chapter eight from my human sexuality book, you can make copies of chapter eight for them.

And you know, never hurts to have them buy their own copy of the book sex act, and give them background reading from that. And then you would use the exercises, my sexual orientation, my favorite sexual behaviors, and then is cyber sex, sex and unfinished sentences. And you could decide which ones you wanted to do as homework, and which one you want to do in session, but they cover all of the components of sexual orientation and sexual behavior. You want to finish with the unfinished sentences though, and I would do that one in, in person in session, because that really is going to set the stage for maybe retooling some of those goals that they the preliminary goals they set for six I'm going to show you where they want to move in the relaxed relationship or where they want to move with terms of their own personal sexuality.

So I would do that one last, unfinished sentences. Then move on to sexual response and do the things that turn me on. And the thoughts about sexual response. You could do one in the office one is homework or do both in the office up to you. The things that turn me on is fun, you know, I would show them the example that I gave you in the training, make a screenshot of that slide just to give them kind of the okay that they can be as outrageous as they want to be. And then go over the sensuality one sensuality lecture, rather, and I would definitely do the sensuous orange in the office.

I would choose the orange I would bring it in and, you know, be prepared to have them do that fair. And then the becoming a more sensuous person activities really pretty meaty. And it really involves reading chapter eight from my sexuality textbook that I gave you. So I would do that one as homework and gives them a wide range of things to explore. Then we're moving into Step four, becoming more mindful. And again, we're doing two lectures, formal mindfulness training and informal mindfulness training.

And we really want to make them understand that the key to great sex and you know, building a strong sexual relationship is really paying attention with all five senses, to the sexual moment, whether it's by themselves or with the partner. And really emphasizing that noticing without judgment of what's going on in the present moment makes each sexual encounter, you know, new and different. Know so despite how long the couple has been together and how many times they've had sex together, If clients can come to any sexual encounter with that beginner's mind that open mind, and zero, right, I'm going to experience this moment with my partner, you know, with no distractions fully involved in the present moment. And that is how I'm going to keep this long term committed relationship fresh. By looking forward to each encounter at something new, something different. That's key, you want to emphasize that.

Then we're going to talk about, you know, how you explain what mindfulness is go over the four components, and explain that there's formal and informal training. And formal training involves meditation practice, and then meditate with them. You know, and then each session after that, start your session with them with meditation. I you know, I wouldn't do the first session starting with meditation, this you're just getting to know them, and you're introducing meditation but once you introduce them Meditation from that point on, meditate with them every session. And it'll be a nice way to start the session off and to make the connection with them. And then you want to continue by giving them the breath meditation as homework, and just say, now that we've started this, I'd like you to continue at home.

And you know, this week to five minutes next week, I'd like you to increase it to 10 minutes, you know, we're seven and then 10 and then 12. Again, it depends on how much time you have with the client, how many sessions you plan on working with them, but you want to give them the homework assignment of meditating at home. And you may say, you know, at the end of the week, just shoot me your reactions to how your meditation went. Just so you kind of keep them accountable. And if you if they know you're going to collect some kind of report, you're more likely to do it. And then you give the Nikon self reflection as homework explained to them.

How Do it and just tell them because this involves a lot of detail and show them you know, the one that was on the slide as an example of the detail, show them that, you know, explain it's going to take a while. So I'd like you to be thoughtful, give yourself 30 minutes and do it at home, and then report into you know, you might just want to explain that the purpose of this is to really help them start shifting the focus off of themselves, you know, what problems I have, you know, what you never did for me and, and really on to what problems the client has created in their relationship and you know, what they could do to help their partner sexuality and help the couple. And then we're going to shift into the informal mindfulness training and kind of go back and just reinforce a little bit.

You know, there's Two focal points for this informal training. One is the internal things that are going on in your mind, your thoughts, your feelings, etc. And then the external things going on with your sexual behavior and your environment. And we're going to address both. But we're going to start in the office by looking at some of the mind activity. And let's do the descriptions and judgments activity first.

And then be prepared to do the mindful trail mix eating activity. And you may want to do them both at the same time or save one for the next session. It's up to you. And then I would do all of these other activities, I would assign them as homework and I would tell them listen, this is really explicit sexual material. And now we're going to start by doing the mindful eating and drinking in bed exercise, which is a really fun way to look at experiences The sexual environment you know with all five senses, and then we're going to ease into the foot massage in the back massage and then get into you know very explicit activities that are designed to provide sexual gratification. So mindful eating and drinking bed foot massage and back the size can be just fun standalone activities that don't necessarily have to lead to intercourse and orgasm but you know masturbation and oral sex are really designed to help the client please the partner and again this you know, we're taking the focus off of the client, you know, being pleased and saying like, play with this and you know, and explore pleasing your partner.

Now with a little luck, you know, the partner will want to reciprocate or will, you know, down the road reciprocate, but the main purpose is to introduce masturbation and oral sex into the relationship and in a non threatening Way of the client doing it to the partner. And this is, you know, really the application out direct application of mindfulness into sex. And hopefully they'll start seeing the connection now between, you know, paying attention with all five senses to the present moment in general. And now seeing how that actually plays out in sexual activity. Step five is acceptance and giving up control. So now that we are more mindful of what's going on, you know, all of our thoughts and feelings and all of our sexual needs and desires.

You know, we want clients to start accepting that, and even the painful stuff, we want them to start accepting and moving forward. So we want to really start talking in detail now about what they can control and what they can't control. And this was introduced way back when in the session on You know, what is acceptance and Commitment Therapy? What are the principles in your training? So now you can kind of introduce this to your clients and say, Okay, this is what you know, you can control and talk about behavior and environment. And this is what you can't.

And, you know, reinforce the idea here that Listen, you know, based on scientific psychology studies, it shows that the more you try and control or avoid, or eliminate your pain and suffering, all that stuff going on in your head, those thoughts and those images, the worse they get, and, you know, emphasize that I know this is different, you know, that you grew up in this American culture, whether it's his real influence on Western psychotherapy, and they talked about analysis and analyzing everything to death and asking why questions and, you know, and we're not going to go there because, you know, recent research shows that spend a lot of time and energy Trying to figure out why you think some, you know, why you have these painful thoughts, it's better to just accept them and shift your focus off of them and onto your behavior which you can control.

So that's really the point we want to make here that we, you know, you know, this is new for them, they haven't been exposed to this way of dealing with those troubling thoughts and painful emotions. But, you know, ask them to have faith and trust you and going in this direction. And then really talking about, you know, control and, you know, versus managing versus controlling something and using that youth baseball team example. And, you know, having them realize that they already doing things that involve, you know, not being able to control the variables, they're already having fun in life, you know, managing their kids, you know, teams without having to be a control freak can control everything, and the same thing can happen. In the bedroom, okay, so you make that leap. And then you can do the exercise right in the office with my personal, my acceptance umbrella rather.

And then give them as homework my personal sex movie because this is, you know, pretty immediate involves a lot of writing a lot of thinking. So I would give them that as homework and then have them email it to step six defining value directions, really, really want to emphasize what makes you know, AC coaching different and my work with you as a client different is that we really are starting with your sexual values. And, you know, to get out of this rut, you have to understand what you value about your sexuality and your sexual relationship. And look at how this relates you being stuck and then use your sexual values or your personal relationship values for the basis of setting goals moving forward. So we're going to go back and we're going to take another look at those critical In our goals we established when we met, you know, for the first time, and after we go over this value section, we're going to, you know, tweak them and retool them, and try and set some sexual relationship goals that are based on your sexual values.

And that the more you can do that, the more you can behave in ways that are consistent with your values, the happier you're going to be and the more purposeful Your life will be. And if I would do in the office, I would do these three exercises, I would probably do them all in one session. Because a lot of them are you know, very visual, you have envelopes and you know cards and things cut out and you can play with this, you know, get your client up and moving around the office a little bit. So, you know, you get away from just sitting there and talking. So these are fun things to do in the office, but if you can't, or you work at a distance, you can do them as home. have clients email them to you.

So now that they have all their sexual values clarified and cleared out, you move into Step seven in the nine step process, which is committing to values based goals, you know, sexual relationship goals. And you want to set the stage by talking about you know, goals are lofty and not necessarily measurable and he objectives are, you know, your stepping stones to reaching your goals, and they are measurable. And, you know, it's important that you have clear measurable objectives in your sex life because it'll help you kind of get unstuck and get to where you want to get to. And it also kind of sets expectations that you have and your partner has in the relationship and things that you can collaborate on and in terms of taking those little steps to get to where you want to be, which is hopefully Having a great sex life.

So then just have them do the writing guys base goals and objectives activity. And now I would do this as homework because again, it takes a lot of thinking and a lot of writing, but you can do any of these activities in the office or as homework. Now the one thing I would definitely get back and do is I would make sure that when clients give you this stuff that you check the objectives and make sure they do answer the question who will do how much of what by when? And if the objectives don't answer that question, you know, help the client reframe it. reframe the objective, so it does meet the criteria for a measurable objective, because you want your clients to have a back and after the time period they specified you know, by when you want them to go back and see if they achieve that objective, and if not to come and talk to you about it because maybe it was too lofty.

Maybe They need to scale down, maybe they need to reassess their goals and objectives to make them more doable. Step eight, again is for me was the hardest thing to understand and probably will be the hardest thing for your clients to understand that difference between the conceptualize self and the observing self. So go back and listen to you know, to my video and then watch the video, listen to the audio, make sure you understand the difference. So you can explain it clearly to your clients use a screenshot of my slides to do it. But, you know, I think they'll identify with the notion of trying to figure things out in their head before they move forward. And you want to get away from that.

Have them have a little faith, take a leap of faith, try something new. And you know, sometimes the only way to do that is to actually be able to kind of step back and look at your your thoughts. You Your emotions, your fears. And you know, start to introduce the idea of, I'd like you to start saying from now you know when when you're having a thought my mind is telling me or I'm having the thought that and get away from like I think or I am and like it's my mind you want to be able to look at your mind is telling you these things your mind is creating these feelings so you can step back and observe what your mind is telling you. And we're going to go back and do another descriptions versus judgments activity here. And to kind of get them to look at you know, what is their mind doing?

Is their mind just observing or is their mind, you know, falling into these descriptions and judgments. And then we're going to look at an activity a drink of ice water, which kind of shows them that you know, when you're not in your observer self, when you're in your conceptual self, you tend to Thinking to know how things are going to play out. Whereas when you're in your observer self, you're kind of open to to newness, and to the beginner's mind and you're willing to see how something as simple as even a drink of ice water will in fact, play out. So you want to make that you know, them understand that there's a difference between thinking about something and directly experiencing it. And then lastly, you want to help them use disentanglement to get on stuck. And, you know, explain to them that now you can step back and look at, you know, unhelpful thoughts and feelings.

You know, I'm going actually show you through a real concrete activity, how to distance yourself from them, and to disentangle from the ones that are not helping you. And then you do this to activities. My mind is telling me on the whiteboard, and I would do the whiteboard, too. Definitely in person. And you know, make sure you have a space where your clients can step back at least, you know, three steps, three steps, six steps, nine steps, about nine feet. Okay.

So that's it, the nine step process, and I think I made it as clear as possible how to integrate the content without being overly theoretical, and, you know, and lecturing and explaining. I mean, I'm used to giving clients things to read biblio therapy, and I'm used to giving clients activities to do as homework and it's considered, you know, consistent with my model of coaching. You know, which is psycho educational in nature. And I think most coaching is psycho educational, where you look at the mind and you know, giving new information. So feel free to give them reading assignments to clarify something, but use the activities to bring it in. Make it real instead of just talking about it.

And that's how I really think the best way to learn this stuff and teach it to clients is to do it yourself. Do all the activities, play with them have fun, it will improve your sex life at the very least, if it does work on your clients. And I hope you enjoy this. If you have any questions at all, shoot me an email. You know, if you're looking for the cu credits, make sure you take the post test and send it back to me. I'm really good on turning it around and getting you your certificate within 72 hours.

So I enjoyed working with you hope you enjoyed working with me and stay tuned check out my my website for other courses if you're looking for other SEO courses, and I have a course on stress management with a similar AC approach. And then I just have a basic what is a coaching course which probably won't need after taking this one. So thanks again. I'm going to call it a training course. And hopefully I'll see you online.

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